There are times when I get so lost in my mind trying to fix all my issues and live up to today’s standards of self-sufficiency. Long gone are the days of needing a friend. At least that’s what society attempts to relay to us. When I buy into this, I isolate and push people away in an effort to never allow anyone to see my junk. This way, I can wear the same mask of bull butter as most everyone else around me. “How are you doing? Fine, I’m fine, the dog is fine, you’re fine, everyone’s fine…” And onward we suffer in silence, completely alone and with very little hope of actually connecting with anyone on a genuine level. Even within a societal context relative to “being ok with not being ok…”, many of us are still lost in our heads listening to the lies of self-condemnation. “You’re never enough, or ever really worthy of love. No one cares about your suffering, or finds you worthy to be known.” As a result, we turn our bitterness inward and isolate further.
I am a larger-than-life personality, and at times, can be a bull in a China shop. It can be such the burden to bear, walking away from social settings before thinking, “Why couldn’t I just keep my mouth shut and essentially go with the flow…?” Believe me, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve laid in bed reviewing the conversations of the day and subsequently tearing myself apart, I’d be a very wealthy man. But such is life; the enemy’s sole purpose is to be sure we never get satisfaction out of anything. He focuses on robbing our peace and stealing our self-confidence. Nonetheless, I march forward, whilst attempting to re-parent myself as an adult child, hoping I may very well someday mature emotionally. Within that vein, I have seen heaps of measurable growth, therefore I must learn to cut myself a break in order to love myself inside the struggle. But, it’s very easy for me to spiral into self-pity and eventually self-hatred. This struggle is real, and it knocks at the door of my heart daily. I work very hard to not let my heart be ambushed by these toxic ideas. Self-hatred comes very easy for me, and I’ve had to dig out of that hole more times than I care to admit. These are the destructive legs that all of my compulsive behavior and bad habits stand on. I know this and have full revelation-knowledge of the roots of my issues. But knowledge alone gets me nowhere. Application of said knowledge is what brings growth.
And that, my friends, is what the battlefield looks like in my world. Thanks be to God that he has sent people across my path to guide me out of the dark forest of my insecurities, establishing me at my Heavenly Father's table of strength and wisdom. My confidence stands on one thing and one thing only - the goodness of Jesus Christ. The one man that looking into my dark carnival of struggles over two thousand years ago while hanging on a bloody cross. Scripture says he uttered, ”Forgive them, for they know not what they do…” See Isaiah 53. It describes his suffering for us this way:
“Yet it was our weaknesses He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down. And we thought His troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for His own sins! But He was pierced for OUR rebellion, crushed for OUR sins. He was beaten so WE could be whole. He was whipped so WE could be healed. All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on Him the sins of us all.
Isaiah 53:4-6 | NLT
I have been abused and literally tortured at times in my life. I have failed at romance more times than I can count. I have lost everything multiple times. Very few times in my life have I had anyone do nice things for me that didn’t have some sort of strings attached to it. But when I read these words in Isaiah, I find a friend like no other. A man strong in wisdom and gentle in heartfelt connection. I see a man emotionally available and caring, yet at the same time, a man who's more than capable of standing up in the face of his accusers declaring: “No one can take his life from him, least he lay it down willingly.” He was the perfect balance of strength and gentleness. And he laid his life down for me. A messed up white trash WV boy who has been broken a thousand different ways. Continually seeking me out everyday and genuinely loving who I am, junk and all. He loves me with a love that is not of this world. I’m constantly amazed as to how he blesses me and comforts me in my darkest hours of struggle. I pant for him as the deer pants for water on a hot summer day. In my times of failure and defeat, it’s only his touch that calms my soul, restoring my confidence. The human experience is hard, there’s no question about it. And the only pathway I’ve found forward that doesn’t feel like I'm being dragged across the hot sands of sin and doubt, is through Him! Understanding that this world is not my home is a hard burden to bear, but I know I’m called to help some people along my journey towards my eternal home. Therefore, I hold my head high and trust that his love is enough for whatever this world throws at me.
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