After having studied for several years the culture of Babylon and its pagan worship practices, I’ve come to realize that every time I look at porn and act out, I’m doing the same thing pagans did with temple prostitutes in ancient times. Sex has always been at the center of pagan worship, and now it’s at the center of most men's lives here in the west. It’s a worship of self-indulgence, and a desire for satisfaction at almost any cost. I’m as guilty of it as anyone. I can point fingers at my childhood abuse and struggles in day-to-day life as the fuel for my addiction to porn, but at the end of the day it’s all a smokescreen for the truth. I like it… I’m not saying those other things don’t play a role in my struggle with porn. But I’m ten years into recovery! I’m definitely a different man now, and yes, I have experienced healing in many ways… but, I’m still here looking at porn and acting out.
In recent years, I’ve felt like I just needed to keep digging for that secret formula that’s going to flip the switch off and free me from this addiction cycle. Be advised that I’m still looking for that information. Yes, I’ve discovered new wisdom about why I am the way I am. But nothing has permanently flipped that switch for me. Some say I’m reliving past sexual trauma. I definitely went through a period during my swinger years (way before recovery) where I desired to be an abusive sexual dominate. I used to make woman bow to their knees before me and worship me. This was as loathsome as I had ever felt. In my early years of recovery (counseling), I talked about feeling a demonic anointing come over me during these times. Thankfully, my counselor was wise enough to stop right then and pray for deliverance from such things. So, at one point, maybe I was reliving past trauma. But that’s not where I am today. Thank you, Jesus!
I’ve read that it may be insecure attachment that's causing me to run to porn (wanting to feel sexually validated). To somehow get just a taste of the connection I do desperately desire. Again, I can see that working in my life. My parents weren’t there for me emotionally, and I can see a pattern of me attaching to that same type of woman over and over within my life. It’s actually quite unsettling being able to understand these patterns now that my eyes have been opened. Nonetheless, that knowledge also didn’t flip the switch. It just made me a bigger “self-help” egghead. Although, it did bring some level of enlightenment and growth to my walk, but it didn’t stop my porn usage. At best, it perhaps slowed it down for a season.
I do know this about myself…I’m a very lonely man, and porn makes that loneliness easier to deal with. It feels pagan in my spirit, and I repent constantly about it and do honestly hate it (about as much as a heroin addict hates that needle they use every day). And to go a step further into the truth regarding my sexual struggles, I’m not attracted to normal Plain Jane Christian women. In fact, nothing gets my motor running more than a pagan woman’s loose sexuality and flirtatious ways. It’s like Kryptonite in my life. I constantly tell myself, “I just need to find a Christian woman that looks like a pagan sex goddess and will fulfill all my sick sexual needs while we both claim Jesus as lord of our lives…” And that, my friend, is insanity at its best!
I am a product of an oversexed culture where pagan sexuality has woven itself into every part of our lives. I’ve tried to be the straight-laced Christian man checking off all the “atta boy” Christian boxes, all the while thinking this is where I’ll find satisfaction and a good Christian woman. As a result, I often came to discover that the church women I dated or considered dating fell into three categories. One, they were just as polluted with pagan ways as I was, and therefore no different than the worldly women I struggled with prior. Two, they were so in love with Jesus there was no room for a man in their lives that couldn’t walk on water or turn water into wine (these women usually owned 19 cats). Third, women who had been so abused theologically by the church and manipulated so many different ways, they were completely out of their minds, and as a result, would talk you cross-eyed about how great the latest Joel Osteen book is.
So what’s a guy to do??? I’ve often thought about how insane recovery feels like today. Sometimes it just seems pointless. I ask myself, why am I still fighting the fight when I’m still viewing porn habitually and acting out? The enemy never misses a chance to point out the irony in all this. But the second I start pulling away, I feel myself slowly slipping back into that dark pit of depression and self-hatred.
At the end of the day, it continues to be about self-control (a fruit of the spirit) and self-discipline. The only way I can feel like God's grace is enough for my sin is when I’m honestly trying to be the best I can be. Otherwise, I just feel lost and living a lie. I still struggle with the question of how can you believe God forgives your habitual sin? You keep returning to it regularly like a dog to his own vomit. You openly admit it’s a form of pagan worship, and that you even desire pagan sexuality. This type of questioning is the accusational culture of hell. It resonates in our spirit because these accusations are true. Sin will always bare witness to our flesh the same way forgiveness bares witness to our spirit. My answer to these questions is very simple…FAITH!
Faith that Christ's work on the cross was enough to cover my stain of sin. God's grace always stands in direct conflict with humanistic ideas of justice. We are so hard wired to “cause and effect” (justifiable) thinking. Our entire society is wired this way. You break the rules, you get punished. You break the rules enough, you're ejected from grace. Grace states that when you break the rules and repent, you're forgiven and freed from deserved punishment. Now if you run out and rob a bank and then repent, God will forgive you and you’ll go to heaven. But not before the state locks you up in jail for 20 years. There are pragmatic consequences to our sin here on Earth. It reminds me of a minister I once knew that was a closet porn addict. Years later, while counseling his daughter, she would tell me that he would sexually abuse prior to repenting. From there, he'd tell her that “God has forgiven him and remembers it no more, so they can forget that it happened…” This went on for years before her mother finally left him. It's important to know that some porn pathways lead to horrible things that very much torment the lives of those we're physically accountable to.
In closing, recovery is as much about personal accountability as it is looking for the secret sauce that will flip the switch. Sin is part of the human experience, and there is purpose inside our problems. Getting honest helps, learning your triggers helps, healing from past trauma definitely helps, but at the end of the day, it’s about the decisions we choose to make that inform our lives. I always say the Christian walk is about focus and motives. When I’m focused on Jesus and not on my loneliness, I naturally do better with all this. And when my motives are to keep fighting the good fight, even in the face of overwhelming failure, God’s grace is sufficient. It’s more about the condition of my heart than it is my sin issues. And this cycle never stops until we meet Jesus face to face.
"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns."
Philippians 1:6 | NLT
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