Ms. Lewinsky "fell in love with her boss", and that's fine, but what grew out of that is what presented a problem. And this is where Ms. Tripp's very useful protection came into play.
Linda, as far as our media has decreed, was a whistleblower. Whistleblowers are culturally sort of these Switzerlandish Lone Ranger-type figures (you never know whose side their on), and since whistleblowers are conceptually based on a fictitious character themselves, this means they're not really being accurately understood / appreciated. The Lone Ranger (I've never listened to the radio show), as far as I know, had a secret identity, and therefore chose to move in and out of controversial relations as a means to avoid taking responsibility for his portion of the drama. In contrast to that, Linda Tripp stood by Monica Lewinsky, all the while standing tall, whilst taking full ownership in her role in protecting her young, very naive friend. To me, this is the ultimate definition of a Silas. Think of it as a looking out for the best interests of others.
But to many, what may have been protection towards a loved one could in fact seem more akin to a patronizing form of "parenting a friend" to another. And to continue along those lines, perhaps true friendship should be rooted within an exclusive modus operandi of "having each other's back" which is this notion of walking with someone through thick and thin regardless of how self-destructive their behavior / lifestyle truly is - to either themselves or anyone else.
The problem I have with this is one of empathy, especially when you care deeply for one's friend. I've never understood how one can sit back and simply observe someone you love whilst maintaining a broad grin. It's frankly a creepy, robotic approach to friendship that seems to not at all align with Christian sentiment / values. Nor do I believe that it aligns itself within the spirit of what a Samson Society Silas truly is.
-------------------------
Bad situations can be so bad that they feel absolutely perfect. I've experienced this firsthand.
My administrative position at Delta State University, there within their Facilities department back in 2013, was one of those for Rob, and unfortunately, I had no Silas to communicate this reality to me at the time. Whilst in the middle of the resultant shame, it wasn't so much determination that kept me pressing on, but fear of "where would I go from here?" as it seemed I'd reached the logical zenith of my chosen career path within that position. To complicate matters, at home I had three daughters under the age of nine and a sweet wife who was no longer working. Therefore, as you might imagine, a lot was riding on my success. I was very proud. So proud in fact, that I'd pushed everyone close to me aside in my determination to succeed.
What my wife (nor anyone else) knew was how much shame I was having to deal with day in and day out whilst leading within that institutional position. So much so, in fact, that it was beginning to dilute much of my resolve against sexual sin. Unworkable is the best word to describe where I was at, yet I was enthralled by the underhanded challenges that I was completely on my own to face. It was like being on a sinking ship whilst being mesmerized by the surrounding vistas. So mesmerized that I was absolutely unaware of the rising water at my feet. And damn, what beautiful vistas they were!
Thanks be to God that I was fired before my situation became that much more complicated. I have no doubt that had I somehow continued forward, opportunity for indiscretion may have surfaced, and from there, I'd literally have been a sitting duck.
Someone, somewhere blew the whistle on Rob relative to my situation, and for that, I'll be forever grateful. Though now, whilst looking back, how I'd wished I'd had a strong, resolved friend in my life who'd been willing to walk closely with me through that uncharted vocational territory. Territory I'd felt compelled to navigate alongside my wife and children within an region of our state that was not at all like what I was accustomed to.
-------------------------
In closing, here are 10 reflections on serving another man as his Silas that I've amassed over the years.
THE BEGINNING OF THE ROAD
1. Beginning your journey alongside another Samson guy is an honor, but there's no denying the abruptness / lack of continuity (history) between the two of you at the outset. As a Silas, there are inevitable feelings of responsibility to stay available, yet you have little to no knowledge as to who this man truly is / how he tends to operate / what his expectations or needs truly are.
My modus operandi at this stage in the relationship is as follows. Get the knowledge you need by going deep into his life immediately. Do this by visiting his place of employment (unannounced drop ins are the best), spend some time with his spouse & children (dinner party at your abode or restaurant), and if possible, take some time to worship alongside him wherever he chooses to do so regularly (if this is part of his routine).
On the flip side of this is how not to attempt to gain this knowledge early on. And all I have to say to that is this. Don't recreate together at this stage. No camping / golfing / movie-going / hunting / fishing, etc. These things sugar coat mutual experiences, therefore I've never seen their benefit early on between a Samson guy and his Silas. Perhaps down the road if and when the relationship solidifies as platonic.
By doing this good, albeit awkward, work upfront, you're going to prove your commitment to him at the outset, and two, your own ability to gracefully tolerate this man is going to ramp up exponentially.
Let me explain.
The majority of a man's identity is tied to his work place, his family, and his faith. Regarding the former, whether he's a minion within a corporation, self-employed, or a government employee, that part of himself as a worker bee is sacred. If not the most sacred relative to what he holds near and dear to his heart. Similarly is his family and (hopefully) his church. Taking an interest in these things buys you immediate brownie points and subsequently builds trust / respect. Respect is the ultimate goal for all men on planet Earth. Remember that. These intentional acts of showing personal interest is by default crediting monies into the relational account that exists between the two of you.
Lastly, every guy has historical flaws, and the man you're walking with will not be the exception to this. And this "personal stink" of his is going to take some getting used to. And when I say this, you need to know that it could take many, many months before you're finding that your stomach is no longer knotting up. To be more specific, what I'm referring to here primarily is the dirt within his story and how that filth has impacted those around him presently. Think of it as the damage. Fallout. Whatever you want to call it. Most men who've committed themselves to Samson Society's The Path want their story known - and rightfully so - in all its gory detail right up front. Through Samson Society, God's positioned them to expunge to someone they trust, therefore as his Silas...you're that man. And if he does this well, you're going to get dirty. Sometimes much moreso than you ever expect depending on how much of his story inversely overlaps with your own (pride, fornication, adultery, abortion, drug use, prostitution, phone sex, gluttony, thievery, lying, molestation, and so forth).
No amount of soap and water can wash away this aroma. It's just going to be there, and you're going to have to find the verve, as the man's Silas, to love your way through it. If soap & water could do the trick in this regard, I'd have tried it a long time ago.
EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING THE NITPICK
2. As a Silas, you can't nor should you expect perfection, but progress is helpful to see. In light of that, you need to understand the issues your Samson guy struggles with well enough to identify (communication) what is considered destructive and therefore to be avoided at all costs versus what's simply annoying / frustrating (to you).
The Bible is your first point of reference here. Therefore if you're not all that in tune to Bible teaching on specific sin, this may be a problem. But on the flip side of that, as his Silas, you no doubt understand conceptually what an upstanding / honorable (Christian) husband / father looks like, therefore you have that reference to draw from (unless you don't, of course). Know too that he wouldn't have selected you as his Silas had he not sensed that your moral compass wasn't relatively intact / in line with his end goal.
And this is where the platonic nature of your relationship can be used to both of your advantages since the temporariness (friendships by definition aren't permanent) can serve as an insulator here.
A Silas needs to provide helpful commentary regarding sin as well as the fallout related to previous sin (cleaning up the mess). You might be kindhearted in doing so and frame it indirectly or not so kindhearted. It's your choice.
As an aside, Jesus talked about how impossible it was for him to be taken seriously unless it was outside of his family. If you're like me, you're going to have a penchant for identifying sinful behaviors that are in line with your own "bent" towards naughtiness, and therefore they're going to get under your skin - no matter the setting. That being the case, it's likely futile to waste your energy on being critical unless you've been asked to provide commentary. It's hard enough addressing issues with Samson guys much less cousins, brother in-laws, etc. who are typically on the periphery relationally.
Communication between you and your Samson guy can come in many forms, and I'd recommend you lean into the method he's most comfortable with...even if it's not your preference. But, know this, there are advantages and disadvantages to each. Therefore, my recommendation is to use face to face, email, telephone calls, and text messages to get the following message across firstly. That being that you are committed to this man and consider it a privilege to be walking alongside him. From there, and always as secondary communication, be his Jiminy Cricket so long as he'll have you.
In closing, there will likely come a time when you feel as if you're no longer of any additional help as the man's Silas. And this may be when frustration on your part sets in regarding his progress or simply his personality in general. I have found that the Holy Spirit has been quite influential in diluting much of what I've been faced with as a Silas early on within the friendship(s). No doubt, its been his compassion and grace that's empowered me to serve. Eventually though, again based on my experience, the intensity of this "supernatural shielding" diminishes, and from there, I tend to get too agitated too quickly. If you find this occurring within your situation, you have two options to consider. Attempt to reboot the relationship from a mutual plateau or dissolve it. I speak from experience when I say that it's the latter that tends to be the default action relative to these seemingly eleventh hour points in time.
SERIOUS RED FLAGS TO CONSIDER
3. Mental illness is never something to shake a stick at, therefore if you're sensing (after a lengthy period of time has passed - 6 months at a minimum) this is a particular issue for your Samson guy, you need to voice your concerns and from there, he needs to be willing to dialogue with you about it directly. If he refuses, you should stand your ground due to the moral obligation you have towards...those who're dependent on him as well as to the friendship itself.
So what does stand your ground look like?
I believe to answer that, it depends conversely on what exactly, as well as to what degree, you're picking up on when you're serving him.
Everyone has days where they're overly sad / negative, anxious / fearful. It's when these emotions are thematic that a line should be drawn in the sand relative to exploring them with more intentionality. And this should be with even more gusto if the Samson guy you're serving admits to realizing these themes long before he met you as his Silas.
Mental illness makes life miserable for those who suffer, and often many who're around these. And this can serve as a clue for you as a Silas due to how close in you're going to get to your Samson friend. Therefore, keep your eyes open, and speak up on behalf of your Samson guy's well-being if you feel so moved. Even if the traditional Samson issues (that he originally admitted to) have been seemingly brought under control.
And, of course, never play doctor / therapist. That's not your role as his Silas. But do affirm his self-care if and when he find the help that he needs.
In the end, this aforementioned line in the sand will determine whether and how you two are meant to continue forward relative to the handling / realization / acknowledgement of this serious issue going forward.
WHAT'S TRULY BEING ASKED OF YOU
4. Prepare to become emotionally obligated to this Samson guy. Despite the fact that this service to him is just that, I would argue most men see this as an opportunity to feel some positive vibes (& the key word here is feel).
Many men use their involvement within sexual sin to emote. Whether it's porn use or nurturing an emotional affair with a female friend, through this they've felt an awful lot upon which they've enjoyed. And for men, it's through their sexualness that they emote most efficiently. Not that men don't feel otherwise, but when it involves their sex organs (and this includes - to a large degree - their mind), there's a positivity there that's typically unparalleled.
Regarding men's sexuality, it involves risk and invoking a sense of security within females. Men love this, therefore when it's removed (abstaining from sexual fantasy / porn use, sexless marriage, decoupling from "female friends"), there's a distinct void.
Emotional obligation can be draining. In fact, I would argue it's the most fatiguing part of the Samson guy / Silas relationship. And Samson guys can expect your service to them to essentially include this as well - almost as if you're his pet.
My advice to you, having served numerous men through the years as a Silas, is to give him all of yourself when he reaches out to you one on one, but stop short of this when you're together within the larger group itself. You have a right to commune with whomever you so choose despite your formal connection to your Samson guy.
Lastly, do know that this can work both ways. And even when you least expect it. Think of it as a byproduct of being formally yoked to your Samson guy and in turn that yoking meeting some of your own platonic needs.
Perhaps you choose to discuss this development in the spirit of authenticity or not. That will depend on how well you two communicate and whether you're willing to actually be that vulnerable.
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
5. The spouse of the Samson guy you're serving as Silas towards can be the elephant in the room. The Silas moniker is taken from the New Testament writings of the apostle Paul. Paul executed three missionary journeys and during much of his time on mission, it was understood that he had another man accompany him. A man named "Silas" was the most noteworthy. Of course, the apostle Paul never mentions having a wife. In fact, in contrast to the marriage union, he often reveled in his own singleness.
Every man (I believe) that I've served as a Silas towards is or was married. Hence, my aforementioned elephant analogy (speaking from experience).
So, let's imagine the apostle Paul along with his Silas journeying forward as missionaries with Paul's wife in tow. Who, considering the two - Paul's wife and Paul's Silas - might have the most influence?
Of course, his wife. Always.
So, what happens when Paul's Silas and Paul's wife end up, at times, at odds with each other? What happens if Paul's Silas grows to not care for his wife (or vice versa), and in turn, chooses to voice his criticism of her?
He's likely going to end up thrown to the curb for better or worse. Keep that in mind.
Wives have often bore the brunt of a Samson guy's issues for far longer than a Silas can or should know relative to the longevity of the marriage. Plus, more than likely, long after the Silas friend has moved on, she'll continue to be by the side of your Samson guy.
Therefore, my advice is as follows: Tread lightly and be respectful. If you yourself as a Silas have a wife, attempt to encourage your spouse to befriend your Samson guy's spouse. And finally, if you find yourself in want relative to your Samson guy's spouse, you'd best be willing to risk the friendship if you choose to voice your position.
Most wives crave feeling secure in and through their relationship with their husband. If she picks up on her husband's Silas somehow being detrimental to said security (either real or imagined), watch out!
In closing, remember too that wives can and do (again in line with their desire for security) snoop. Looking over the shoulder (either literally or figuratively) of her husband relative to the personal emails that enter his inbox as well as text messages that appear on his cellphone is not out of the question for her to do. Therefore, always keep that in mind whilst communicating in writing with your Samson guy, and if you absolutely don't want her to "hear it from you", abstain from using these methods of communication. Though efficient, consider neither methodology to be private.
DEVIANCE
6. Illegal activity / behaviors shouldn't be tolerated. There are a number of things that are deemed socially acceptable and in turn, legal elsewhere (other states). But when it comes to Mississippi, those things simply are not legal here. For better or worse. I'm of the opinion that one shouldn't walk beside a Samson guy who's deviant of laws of the land, even if it's in private.
Falling into this same category, to some degree, is a self-destructive use of booze. Alcohol consumption is a mainstay within the Samson community, celebrated as a social norm. Many after meetings are held at bars / pubs. But when it's abused, a Silas' job is to point this out. Drunkenness is sin.
Thievery on the job / within volunteer positions - anything underhanded like that needs to be addressed in accordance with Scripture. To summarize procedurally how that might play out...
Triangulate. Find another Samson guy who knows both your Samson guy and yourself well enough to engage. And not necessarily as a moderator but simply as a witness to the hard dialogue that needs to be accomplished. A number of follow up meetings may need to be scheduled amongst you three. Assuming your Samson guy is willing to continue forward.
Suicidal talk isn't something I've encountered, but no doubt it is a possibility. I would resort to the aforementioned relational triangulation ASAP if I encountered this.
In closing, what about vocational IT deviancy? Many men consume Internet porn at work. If you're privy to your Samson guy doing this EVER, you'd best remind him of the consequences he may face were he to get caught. Based on my experience, when men are taking this kind of risk, they're in deep anguish emotionally. And many are completely oblivious to the risk due to the longevity of their behaviors.
We live in a outrageously backward world. Who would have ever thought that mankind would be exposed / have accessibility to every imaginable pornographic image with such ubiquity as we do today? The Internet is everywhere, beckoning us constantly to take a looksee...whether we're a ditch-digger or surgeon, salesmen or retail clerk.
SCRUB
7. Once your role as a Silas comes to an end, the digital trail needs to be swept clean. That is, emails, text messages, and anything else should be deleted.
And this is to protect both your previous Samson guy but also your own self. Sometimes, these friendships can end abruptly, and when this occurs, you as a now former Silas, need to protect yourself from yourself. Therefore, it's best to scrub the deck clean digitally of anything that might remind, be reinterpreted, or simply serve as circumspect relative to what once was.
Too, computers, cellphones, etc. do get hacked into. Hence, the importance of protecting everyone involved if that were to occur.
Besides, now's the time to best reposition yourself for further service with other men. I would argue that this is the best way to approach that pivot.
No comments:
Post a Comment