Buddies launch podcast to tackle ‘friendship recession’ (today.com)
Sunday, April 23, 2023
Friday, April 21, 2023
Thursday, April 20, 2023
"Shame" - Stan S.
Shame and I were intimate companions for many, many years.
It started as a young child with voices telling me I was not good enough. I was
not a good enough son, I was not fun or attractive enough to have friends, I
was not fit enough to avoid being bullied about my weight, and I was not
masculine enough to elude being called a sissy or “fag”.
The voices only grew louder and more matter-of-fact as I thought I was failing
at becoming a real man. I thought a real man was expected to be athletic,
brave, and confident with women. I did not see myself as any of those things.
This only became worse as I found myself drawn to look at and desire men, and
long to have deep connection. This was the worst shame as I was taught to
believe that being gay was the worst of all sins because it was both ungodly
and disgusting. My father believed all gay people should be executed because
they groomed children into their lifestyle. Being attracted to the same sex was
not acceptable.
So, I started building the facade. Who I am is not acceptable, so I will have
to make myself into something I’m not. So, I worked hard to be decent at
sports, joined a fraternity, and learned to watch football, and pursue women. I
worked hard to be “manly” in the worlds eyes, all the while feeling like a
complete fraud.
I got married, had kids, and hid my secret shame of same sex attraction for 30
years. I told absolutely no one, and even was able to convince myself to a
certain degree.
But the shame took its toll. On the outside my life looked good to everyone,
but on the inside, my spirit was decaying. I had given my heart to Jesus, but I
was afraid to trust him fully and felt unworthy of his love.
At first, I thought the shame would keep me safe. I depended on the shame to
prevent me from failing, and to prop up the facade I had built. What I didn’t realize,
was how shame had snuck around through the back door to destroy me from within.
Slowly, despair and resignation filled my soul. I became exhausted with the
weight of the disguise and started hearing new lies: “None of this
matters.” “You aren’t really loved or lovable as you are.” and “You are such a
total fraud!”
So, in a moment, I gave up and gave in to my sin. However, instead of the
expected relief and gratification, all it brought me was more shame in greater
magnitude.
Thankfully, I did have my faith. The Holy Spirit was so kind to pursue me,
speak gently, and give me hope. He gently showed me the difference
between a healing conviction that breaks down the lies, and toxic shame which
only hides and condemns.
I was able to confess my sin and begin the healing process of overcoming the
distortion of my desires, and begin to accept and love the unique expression of
manhood that God placed in me. I’m still on this journey, but Jesus has been so
kind to walk slowly with me, and bring godly people in my life to show me the
power of the new covenant of grace. I truly have hope that I am being restored
to the holy purpose for which I was designed.
I have learned to not be ashamed of my desires, but to sit with them and
uncover what about them are true needs, and what is the lie. For me, the truth
is, God made me for deep relationship and connection. He made me to see and
admire the beautiful way he created men and praise him for the way we reflect
his strength, confidence, and tender mercy. He has taught me the spiritual
power of physical connection through a hug, holding hands during prayer, and
putting a hand on a shoulder to manifest care through a physical modality. The
distortion is the lie that any need for male connection has to be sexual. The
Enemy of our soul does not typically tell us outright lies. He has found it
more effective to distort the truth and mix in a heavy dose of fear and shame.
In closing, the Lord has used his Word to unveil truth throughout this process,
but this passage has been especially meaningful because of the intimate
language the author uses in the way He desires to connect with us, dispel the
shame, and give us a fulfilling and significant life as we walk the healing
path of his grace:
“Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of
kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of
all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve
rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy.
You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so
that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!”
Psalms 103:2-5 TPT
Wednesday, April 19, 2023
Nate Talked About Personas ("Holographic" Versions Of Oneself) Whilst Leading (As Usual) With Weakness
Thursday, (4/13)'s men's evening featuring Mr. Nate Larkin was a wonderful experience. So many old friends, gathered together to celebrate / recognize Nate's contribution to recovery. (There were a number of men there who I remembered their face, but...)
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Mr. Nate Larkin succinctly told his story, and as usual, he had no issues with stating the obvious (without making a single joke regarding) relative to who God created him to be. This effectively demonstrates humility, and immediately disarmed the crowd.
He quickly began describing "personas" or created images ("Saint, Mate, Career-Nate") of himself relative to circumstances his diminutive / near-sighted authentic self found himself within.
There were some profound statements made regarding these personas in comparison to his real self. I wish I could remember them.
Nate, of course, talked explicitly about his powerfully stifling relationship to lust, whether in the form of print / Internet porn or illicit, adulterous relations and how it further fueled his drive to present / establish / re-invent these numerous personas. Whilst doing so, he gave the audience an idea as to how much of his time / energy spent as a pastor, husband, father was siphoned off due to this.
He went on to describe D-day for himself in grisly detail (between he and his sweet wife) prior to highlighting the brief helpfulness brought forth due to a unplanned relocation (FL to TN in order to be close to grandkids / children).
From there, his narrative shifted towards seeking out / finding a recovery methodology that worked for him (all well before writing Samson and the Pirate Monks / launching the Samson Society).
Nate concluded by talking briefly about his passion: Samson Society's growth, but not at all in line with touting his involvement. Instead, his focus was / is always celebrating the continued momentum relative to Samson connections (face-to-face & virtual) / slow and meaningful restorations.
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From there, a virtual Samson Society meeting facilitator spoke briefly along with a local men's ministry guy. Both testimonies were powerfully heartfelt and sincere, serving as a fantastic pivot.
A Samson Society board member then segued by asking the audience for contributions. This was awkward but no doubt necessary. His determined effort was appreciated.
A roundtable discussion was executed before closing out the evening. There were 3-4 questions asked. One of the roundtable participants talked passionately about the church needing to raise up emotionally intelligent men - in line with what Jesus modeled (particularly through its preaching). I'm still chewing on that one. I think it's a worthwhile concept. I'd love to hear more about this and what it might actually look like.
As a sidenote, I caught a ride home with two Samson guys (due to my car having a flat tire). Part of the dialogue therein had to do with this notion of the church rearing emotionally intelligent men. Obviously, that resonated with a cross section.
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