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Thursday, December 14, 2023
"The No Bull Briefing" - December 2023
Wednesday, December 13, 2023
Tuesday, December 12, 2023
Hold The Line For The Man Who Can't Hold It Himself (It Takes Two To Tango).
A sizeable amount of my time each December goes to gifting clients with cookies and calendars out of appreciation for their patronage. And I hand deliver many of these whilst road-tripping my way through various regions of the state of Mississippi. It's an exhausting affair - both physically & emotionally, but an expected wrapping up of the year as a business owner (that was started by my parents, well in advance of me becoming affiliated with their company).
Northeast Mississippi is where I spent this past Thursday, (12/7). Whilst making my way through Starkville, I was reminded of my college friend, Perry, and the last time we spent any time together.
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I first met Perry in late summer of 1990 during my first summer (freshman year) of collegiate band camp. He was in my assigned clarinet squad within the Mississippi State University Maroon Band. Obviously, he too played a clarinet, and arguably, was far more adept at it than I was. Perry had an older brother who played tuba (from what I recall), and as such, he seemed to know and be known by most everybody within the massive 300+ instrumentalist / flag-bearing group. Perry was a brilliant guy who was one / two-year(s) my senior who always seemed distracted. Always. It was almost as if he were living a double-life (which he was).
It's important to know that Perry and I stayed within the same assigned clarinet squad throughout our college careers (he took an additional year to graduate, having changed majors midstream), therefore we spent an awful lot of time together (fall semesters) relative to that nerdy troupe.
Long after we'd both graduated from college (sometime around 2007), I awkwardly bumped into Perry in Clinton, MS at an (very poorly attended) ex-gay conference that a local church hosted one Saturday. I don't recall how I came to know of said conference, but nonetheless, I was absolutely stunned to bump into my old friend. Perry's countenance immediately reflected the explosion of emotions he was feeling therein. For on the one hand, he was exposed whilst on the other opportunistically intrigued.
Nonetheless, as this incident attests, I didn't know this guy well at all (nor did he know me with any clarity). And whilst looking back, I'm grateful that I didn't for such a time as that (college days). For Perry maintained a devout Christian identity that nary a moment hinted at deviancy, yet his true nature had him constantly on the prowl for male partners to bed who were fellow students or otherwise.
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A year or so after losing my job at Delta State University, I reached out to Perry, asking to stay the evening there within his humble Starkville abode in advance of a CEU class (related to maintaining my architecture license) being hosted by MSU's School of Architecture. Keep in mind that I'd only been involved in Samson Society for a short stint (I attended my first in-person meeting in August of 2014) with this overnighter having occurred sometime around 2015-2016.
He agreed to this, and it was during our short time together that I finally had him cornered long enough for me to get some answers as to who he truly was, how he got there and where he was headed.
Perry was hopeful we'd have sex that evening. It was so apparent to me that it was almost laughable. I vividly recall attempting to make conversation, suggest an activity like watching a DVD (he had an extensive film collection), 'till finally he agreed to openly dialogue about his past (which effectively extinguished his libido). I vividly recall us sitting in the tiny den of his 2/2, with one lamp burning in the corner of the room, as he allowed me to interrogate.
His answers didn't surprise me in the least except for his tales relative to cruising for gay sex during our parallel college careers. Me not picking up on any hint of this activity during our time together at MSU during the early '90s did effectively stun. For Perry never cussed, drank, and was always at church (with his parents who resided in Starkville, per my recollection) each and every Sunday.
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After we turned in that evening, sleeping through the night within separate bedrooms, Perry ferried me to a downtown cafe in anticipation of a sunrise men's breakfast Bible study that he regularly attended. Once we arrived, he quickly began messaging folks regarding their absenteeism. And it was then that he realized his error pertaining to which Saturday morning (of that particular month) had actually been calendared for this event.
So, we sat in awkward silence whilst methodically downing our scrambled eggs and toast.
For Perry had to have recalled that I hadn't had sex with another man ever, and in turn, that I'd not had any intentions of starting with him (relative to what had not gone down during the evening prior).
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There're an awful lot of men, Christian or otherwise, who categorize homosexual activity as discriminately sin-free. And I believe the root of this adjudication has to do with it involving two consenting genders pleasuring each other outside of the bounds of sexual mechanistic cohesion (in other words - to them, it's not genuine sex sans a vagina). And many, if not the majority of these dudes, had their first sexual experience (whether predatory or consensual) well before adulthood. Hence, as adults, there's a harkening back to experiences which categorically feel more childishly rebellious than they truly should.
Most therapists who subscribe to counseling men who actively have sex with other men (& who're looking to pivot away from those behaviors) attempt to anchor their commentary in the notion of masculine maturation via growing up and into a form of manhood that leaves behind these types of behaviors. The cultural blowback to this approach though is those select few men who radiate not one iota of masculine immaturity / pubescent reckless abandon yet who wholeheartedly embrace sex with other men as their preference.
What then?
It's a great question that I don't have an answer to.
I do know this though. After finally coming to a point of understanding Perry's complete story, to the degree that I was granted, I saw a complex human being versus the smart-ass jokester / transparency dodger I'd always known. And it was that complexity that I wanted to explore further versus his genitals or his ass or any other portion of his average Mississippi manbod. For even if Perry had been an Adonis (which he most certainly was not), I don't believe I would have felt differently.
Give me a man's story, warts & all, any day of the week. That's intimacy. White hot intimacy. For it's the one thing I've always longed to obtain from the gay porn models who boldly pose / perform under the watchful eye of the camera lens. Why? To instantaneously immunize myself from those seductive trappings.
"Things God Has Said To Me" - JR Everhart
We spend so much time thinking about all the negative trash the enemy is feeding us all the time. In some cases, we spend years in counseling to unravel this junk. We’ve become convinced his accusations are true, but instead, we've only been part of a well-organized plan to drag us under the water of self-hatred and depression in order to keep us there for as long as possible. So, I thought it would be a great idea to share some of the things I’ve heard God whisper to me in the past 11 years. 11 years of HARD self-inventory and inner growth. Enjoy…
- I’ve always been here with you. Not once did I abandon you or turn a blind eye to your suffering. I felt all the pain as you did. Over and over my heart was broken watching bad people do horrible things to you, especially when you were a kid. But I cannot invade on anyone’s free will to choose evil. Otherwise, the human race will lose the free will to love and care for each other. So, until my son returns, I can only give you the strength to endure and send people into your life to help you heal from such atrocities. Never think that I didn’t stand there over these situations and weep with you.
- I see the intentions of your heart. My line of sight into your life is filtered through the blood sacrifice of my son Jesus. You are worthy and will someday live for eternity under the warm glow of my perfect love.
- I’m sorry you’ve had to suffer the sorrow of broken heartedness. Unfortunately, hurting people tend to hurt the ones closest to them, and you’ve had to walk through that dark forest of abandonment and pain more times than I ever wanted for you. But I am present with you, and as long as you look to me for strength and healing, I will restore you and build you into a mighty fortress of faith and hope for others. I will take what was meant for evil toward you and use it for good.
- Just keep walking my son, don’t listen to those who doubt my working in and through you. Follow the passion I’ve planted inside of you. Follow my still calm voice through the darkness of doubt and worry. Trust me.
- It’s okay to fail; remember that even my apostles failed at one point or another. Life is about motives; I see your motives toward good and your submission to my direction. It’s a marathon not a sprint. We have plenty of time to get there. Age means nothing relative to my will.
- Believe that I don’t just love you but that I like who you are. You’ve had every reason to give up and walk away. But you’ve always come home to me, and I’ve always celebrated your return. I love you more than you will ever understand.
- Can you please show yourself the same grace I show you when you fail? You’re not accomplishing anything by feeling like you deserve to suffer for your mistakes. Jesus already paid that price. Trust that it was enough for your struggles. Now stand up, sweep yourself off, and keep walking.
- Don’t believe the enemy’s lies that I’m not right here with you. Never mistake my silence, for absence. I am with you always…
- Get ready there’s a storm coming. This is not from me, but do not fear. I am going to use this trial to grow you and refine you toward your next level of maturity. It will be uncomfortable, but I will provide you with the means to endure. Blessings will be waiting for you on the other side. Stay focused on me now more than ever.
- Nothing is more important to me than our relationship. Your belief in my goodness while suffering life’s trials is legendary here in heaven. The angels sing of my work in and through you because of this.
- Mom and Dad say "Hi…"
- Hang on, we’re almost through this one. Just a little bit longer…
- Prepare, I’m about to blow your mind. Blessing are en route…
- I really like it when you talk about me to the hurting people I send across your path. This is the fruit of faithfulness in line with all your suffering. Again, legendary stuff here in heaven.
- I know you’re self-medicating with food. Instead, consider pushing that plate away and talking a walk with me.
- Slow down, you’re focusing on the stress too much. Focus on me for the next ten minutes. I am here, let’s talk.
- Moses waited 40 years in the desert for his ministry to start. You can wait a little longer for what you think should be happening. I have purpose in your patience.
- Yes!
- Wait!
- The platypus is funny looking, isn’t he? You’re welcome. Think of him the next time you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re not enough.
- Proverbs 31:30
- Look at the stars in the night sky or watch the waves of the ocean crash onto the beach. Drive to the mountaintop and sit in wonder of my mighty hand of creation. Enjoy the peace and serenity they offer. It’s as close to heaven that you can get on earth. You need these things in your life.
- Never forget that the struggles and suffering you endure on earth are as close to hell as you will ever experience. The day I call you home will be the first day of the rest of your eternal existence…
- Don’t buy that car… The payment will become a ball and chain you will regret.
- Don’t take that job, the money will never make up for what it will cost your family with you being gone all the time. I will provide for you. Adjust your life accordingly. Wealth is not exclusively measured by dollars in the bank.
- If you do that, be sure you’re ready for the impact it will have on your marriage. Everything that is hidden will eventually be brought into the light. Count the costs prior to investing therein.
- I’ve been hiding your beauty because you haven’t met the right one yet. Pump the brakes, we’ll get there when it’s time. No, I'm not telling you when that time will come. I like you better having to trust me. Have faith my son, have faith… Besides, if I told you that, it would spoil your ability to discover it on your own.
- I hear your prayers, it’s not going to work out the way you want it too. But I promise you that it’s going to be okay.
- She’s not going to make it. Prepare your heart. You'll recall the 50 years of smoking. But know that I’m here with you (& her).
- His days are numbered. Don’t fret that he doesn’t know who you are anymore. He’s already here with me. His body will soon give up the ghost. Prepare your heart, I am with you.
- She loves you, but she is presently blinded by her pain. Give it time, I’m working on this. Keep praying!
- You’ve made me so proud of you, my son. Keep up the good work. I have HUGE plans for you.
- Watch this!
- Can you call this person for me and tell them I love them? Someone long ago abused them very deeply under the umbrella of my name. Please tell them I had nothing to do with that and that I wept with them as they suffered. I would love to reconnect with them, if they can get past their anger and pain and see me clearly. Just plant some seeds my son. I’ll do the rest.
- No! I can’t make the Steelers win another Super Bowl. That’s on them… (I am a fan of Coach Tomlin though).
- You’re very welcome for the meal, enjoy. And yes, I’ll bless the hands that made it.
- I know you’re angry; I understand your frustration and feel your pain. But be reminded, she can choose to leave if she wants. I don’t like it either, but it’s her decision.
- It’s not all your fault, stop listening to the enemy. Get out of your emotional mind and start thinking rationally. I am here with you. You are not alone.
- Your kids will be fine, I have legions of angels encamped around them because of your prayers. Go to sleep!
- The McRib is coming back, chill!
- Stop complaining and start counting your blessings.
- You want what? Really? You better thank me later for not answering that prayer…
- You don’t have to have all the answers to be secure. TRUST ME!
- See, I told you I was working on it.
- I know you miss her, I have a record of all your tears. Nothing has ever hurt you that I didn’t feel and make a record of it.
- Now! Go now! Tell them I sent you. They are expecting to hear from me. Wait until you see the looks on their faces when you say that. That’s the look all you guys make when you realize I’m real and working all things toward good to those of you that love and trust me. Proud Dad moment! “That’s my boy right there!”
Monday, December 11, 2023
Saturday, December 9, 2023
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