A few years back, I was blessed to meet Zane. I'd felt so moved to participate in a day mission trip with our church, Lakeside Pres, in order to expose my youngest daughter to "Delta Streets" in Greenwood, MS. This private all-boys academy was founded by a man who'd grown up in our church, and I knew enough of it to know of its impact and solidarity as a ministry.
It was a steamy summer day in '22 when our group of 15-20 Presbyterians made the early morning trek. Zane, at the time, was only officially visiting Lakeside Pres with his wife and two elementary age daughters. He'd heard about this Saturday missional opportunity, and despite not knowing anyone all around, showed up to participate.
And this speaks to one aspect of what initially and continually draws me to him.
Zane is like Superman. Selfless and willing to work really hard to help others. And this correlates too as it pertains to his physical stature. Though he's not a head & shoulders taller than most men, his upper body is built like an ox. That combined with the 4" neatly manicured black beard / olive skin makes him appear like some sort of lumberjack mercenary.
What I soon discovered too, that also correlated similarly (Man of Steel analogy) is that Zane sees himself as "not at home in this world".
He grew up impoverished in rural Mississippi, and though he physically exited that setting immediately following graduating high school, his heart never did. Every family member of his (& he's fiercely loyal to each) is still there, and they communicate regularly. As such, when opportunity knocks, he points his GMC truck southwest 'till he arrives in remote Franklin County. And once he's there, he'll stay as long as conceivably possible.
Zane's father died unexpectedly 2-3 years prior to me meeting him. In fact, according to Zane, as his father's health failed, he chose to suffer privately, and in lieu of seeking out medical care (his excuse was his lack of health insurance coverage), he passed away quickly as a result.
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With our family's platonic support (we quickly took these younger folks - they're about ten years younger than us - under our wing), Zane's troop joined Lakeside Pres. In line with that, his oldest daughter became involved in the church's youth ministry! This child is socially awkward, quiet and reserved. As such, it was a big leap for her (she's one year younger than our youngest daughter).
Up to the past few months, Zane and I have lunched regularly. He's a fantastic listener / very intelligent / great conversationalist, and I've found him to seemingly warm up to "life in the big city" as I've had the opportunity to expand his horizons a bit. Lol.
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What I've discovered though about Zane, that I cannot reconcile at this point, is how he prioritizes for himself & his side of the family (his people back home), the opportunity to fill shoes that belonged to his dad. Is it guilt or loneliness or laziness / rut, or is this actually normal behavior that I shouldn't even question?
His dad's deer camp is the epicenter of this role play.
For those of you who've no idea what deer camp is, let me provide a quick overview.
A large percentage of rural (& urban) Mississippi white men aggressively hunt the white tail deer (& prepare extensively year-round to do so - via bow & gun season) at their individual deer camp. The camp itself consists of hunting land along with some semblance of a centralized waylay point. This hub can be as basic as a series of makeshift structures large enough to shelter antiquated RVs to elaborately designed / built lodges that feature every imaginable, present day luxury.
What Zane has access to back home, now that his dad is deceased, is far more in line with the former than the latter.
Nonetheless, when his dad died, he chose to purchase his father's membership within his particular club, and from there, he's never looked back.
The older men who were once his father's community have now become his community, and he absolutely loves the experience of "carrying the torch" forward. These men, no doubt, love Zane as they loved his dad in their own unique ways. Like father, like son. As such, I've no doubt they, in turn, grieve their loss of Zane's father through his very presence.
As such, though he's loathe to admit to it, investing his time / energy therein is his main emotional / spiritual priority. It feels natural and safe. Plus, it's home for him.
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What I'd hoped for in Zane when he and his brood joined our church was for that commitment to be more than checking a box. And as you can imagine, me seeing him VOLUNTEER his time so selflessly early on only added to that hope.
But his deer camp family is where it's at, therefore his church family has always been / continues more & more to be kept at arm's length. And it may remain that way for as long as I'm privileged to call him friend.
Why does this matter?
If Zane were a bachelor, it wouldn't. But he has a wife and two daughters, one of which just entered high school.
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White women who're wives / mothers, typically do the prioritizing (choosing) to either put their families in the church house on Sundays, Wednesdays, etc. or never darken the door. Women tend to care about their family as a unit, and for those who see holistic church involvement as an asset, they're going to own that pursuit for their brood. Therefore, their husbands need not necessarily lead in this regard. Instead, the role of deacon / elder may serve to be their primary focus therein.
Within Zane's family, this isn't the case, therefore due to Zane's priorities being elsewhere (as I've described above), church has slowly taken even more of a backseat for his entire clan.
Zane's wife is, like so many women her age, captivated by every facet of social media. To the point that she's a conspiracy theorist. She also struggles with her physical self image, but partially due to the social media captivation, makes no committed, ongoing effort to address the issue.
Zane's now high school daughter literally has her pocket computer glued to her face whenever she's awake (which based on my understanding is far too much considering the typical 24-hour day). And this child is highly intelligent and very, very secretive / manipulative.
And then there's the youngest daughter. She's sort of the tagalong of the fam. She's a tiny little thing, loathed by her older sister due to her ability to instantaneously draw attention / concern from seemingly anywhere.
All that being said, if Zane doesn't "rally the troops" each and every Sunday / Wednesday, ain't nobody he's responsible for darkening the door of Lakeside Pres. And I can't change that.
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In conclusion, here's another caveat for you to chew on regarding this friendship of mine.
Zane strength trains regularly far more than I do. In fact, we'll unexpectedly rendezvous at the Y during the week in the early evenings. In fact, that's become a more regular occurrence (when we first met, he was going during the wee hours of the morning).
And he's just as disciplined as I am regarding his specific routine. In other words, he's not there for any other reason than to put in the work.
If I didn't / hadn't come to know him through Lakeside Pres three years ago, I would NEVER approach him therein within that setting. In fact, it's quite humorous (internally) to me as I imagine what it must look like for he and I to chitchat whilst leaning over the bed of his GMC truck out in the Y parking lot (as the sun sits low over the western horizon) post workout. We're an odd coupling, for sure.
And we could talk for hours. For whatever reason, he considers me safe and I too see him as such in turn.
I think in many ways, I'm like one of those older men from his Franklin County deer camp, but I just happen to be here in the "big city". And I'm fine with that. I just worry about his brood as I see time / opportunity slipping away. But is this worry misplaced / overblown?
And that's how I prove to myself that I love this man like a brother. It's my desire to want the very best for him and his family.
Nonetheless, I can only pray and provide support in light of the influence I've been afforded for such a time as this. This brother is NOT a Samson brother. Hence, restraint is expected. Ultimately, I need faith to let him lead his life / family as he sees fit. It's the respect I owe him just as he's afforded that same respect towards me.
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