I'm an only child. As such, I'm independent to a fault and hardly anything ruffles my feathers - outside of my home (I have no idea if that's at all related to being an only). Essentially, I'm the opposite of flamboyant within my day-to-day life. Ain't nothing too unexpected / out of the ordinary gonna trip up 'ole Rob, Jr.
Combine with that a genuine sensitivity to emotions. Now, for those of you that know me, this may not appear to be the case, but it's the truth. Essentially, when I allow myself to feel, it's a pure, unadulterated experience that makes a lasting impression. I believe this is due too to my only child upbringing. For dealing with same-sex attraction throughout my growing up years, I chose to sort and learn from my feelings therein. Otherwise, I would have ended up either a chemical addict or dead.
Recognizing these two attributes, God's not shy about throwing me curveballs.
Essentially, I now have a what amounts to a younger brother. I've written about this Christian (non-Samson) guy before, lamenting about his penchant to prioritize certain (masculine) hobbies over religious activities / commitments in tandem with tolerating a wife whose immaturity oftentimes leaves my head scratching.
And this guys all into Rob. And I believe that's due to him NOT being an only child (he has two close-in-age siblings). As such, I've simply moved into position as brother as a result of both our platonic chemistry and need.
All this being said, I cannot truly comprehend being interdependently tied to a permanent, familial community. My relationship with my parents attests to this. Therefore, seeing how emotionally tethered he is to me, even at this stage of our 3-year friendship, blows my mind.
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Now, let me address the physical side of our brotherhood.
If you were look up the word masculine in the dictionary, you'd see a photo of my friend. In line with that, if you were to cram every one of my masculine archetype personifications into one man, you'd pretty much have my brother. Hence, each time I'm around him feels surreal due to the fact that's he just so damn physically impressive.
And just so you know, whenever I introduce him to family / other friends, there's typically some blank stares due to the impossible to ignore oddball coupling.
It's some weird shit.
And that's all I'll say about that.
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Now back to the following statement: I cannot truly comprehend being interdependently tied to a permanent, familial community. My relationship with my parents attests to this. Therefore, seeing how emotionally tethered he is to me, even at this stage of our 3-year friendship, blows my mind.
Every time we rendezvous, it feels that much more permanent. And this permanency solidifying whilst he and I both are consistently / healthily adding to our individual circle of friends - both personally & professionally. In other words, it isn't, by any means, a codependent friendship.
What's hardest for me is the VOID short circuiting my ability to comprehend his love / respect for Rob. This leaves me feeling out of sync with reality. And it can be jarring. Especially when he's hurting and needs my care. As such, my sympathetic gestures feel disingenuous whether it's a word or touch.
And the VOID has been on a roll as of late. I feel and see so very much blank space whilst looking inward, and that's tremendously frustrating / depressing. As such, I gravitate to gay porn when these feelings hollow me out enough.
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I wrapped up my work yesterday, (9/5) not long after mid-afternoon prior to doing some shopping and then finally landing at the Y for a swim. It was around 6 PM, therefore with it being Friday, things were slowly beginning to clear out (they close at 8 PM). The indoor pool is well used throughout the week since it's one of the only ones in the Metro Jackson area. As such, I tend to feel fairly intimidated asking about open lanes, particularly if a swim team is practicing outright. Nonetheless, the rule is that they're to obligate two for members (except between 4-5 PM) but often they don't.
Fridays typically are different though. Especially early evening on Fridays. And that's one of the reasons I swim then. It's sort of like when I first started strength training at age 36. As such, there's a distinct slowness to truly warming up to a new (athletic) setting.
Prior to putting my bag down in the locker room, I always stick my head in the natatorium before changing (to get a lay of the land). Yesterday evening was no different. Surprisingly (disappointingly?), there was an elementary girls' swim team practicing, though it looked as if they didn't have the entire pool.
As I walked back into the locker room, another man (a few years younger than me) followed my lead, but when he returned from peering into the natatorium, he asked me if I was there to swim. And then he said something that struck me. It had to do with him vouching for both of us in light of our intent to share the pool with the children.
I was seen, and I mean really seen.
By this point, I was in my swim trunks, towel in hand. I let him know how long I'd be in the pool (needing a lane) and then I made my way. He then volunteered to take the handicap ramped lane (on the far end), but I told him I had no issues using it.
And then I was swimming. Just as I always do. Trying to zone out and think about nothing in particular. But I quickly realized that he was too, and surprisingly, in the adjacent lane. And it was weird because every other Friday evening, there'd be no one but me & the lifeguard in this enormous, barrel-vaulted room, yet tonight there was this very kind, very comfortable man right there alongside.
I eventually introduced myself, and he complimented me on my build (in response to me disclosing how often I typically swim during the week), using that as a segue to disclose that he'd just returned to MS and started back swimming a few weeks prior.
After a half hour, just he said he would, he wrapped up his routine. We talked further (about churches & how I had another friend with his identical name), and he got out. I told him I'd gladly give him my card were my wallet not locked up in my car. In reaction, he assured me we'd run into each other again there at the pool.
I felt so fortunate to have had that encounter with that stranger for such a time as that.
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Why?
For it was so sweet and so needed. It represented for the first time, having swam consistently within that space over the past three months, an experience where someone sincerely made the effort to be kind to me in such a way that felt genuine and distinct. And of all places, it was whilst dripping wet, wearing only swim trunks, there in the Y pool.
I wonder if that man was an angel. Could he have been heaven sent?
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Let me say this in closing. As you can tell, I'm needing some clarity regarding who I am, what my meld is and how that meld has impacted others (friends, clients, family) throughout my life. And perhaps clarity isn't the right word. Maybe a better word is truth / reformatting.
The VOID needs to collapse in on itself, laying the foundation for change. Otherwise, I can't serve myself with any dignity / accuracy nor my brothers. Whether they be old or new ones.
