The reason my wife fell in love with Rob was because I chose to listen to her. For I had not a straight bone in my body. Nor was I a hyper-competitive male looking to make my "first million" by age 30. Nonetheless, Angie didn't give a shit about those things. Instead, she became entranced with my interest in her / her state of mind / her hopes & dreams, etc. Why was this so important to her?
Angie grew up in an ultra-dysfunctional household where everyone constantly walked on eggshells relative to her mother's untreated mental illness (borderline personality disorder) and (seasonal) alcoholism. BPD's primary descriptor is an intense emotional self-focus. To the point of obsession. And this preoccupation with one's emotional frame of mind is absolutely sacrosanct, therefore within Angie's family, this was the overarching delineator within the real-time family dynamic. Hence, Angie was, by definition, the overlooked, emotionally neglected child, who did her darndest to simply keep the peace.
To give you an idea of how intrusive / domineering my mother-in-law's BPD was / is, I can still recall one Easter holiday where my parents hosted lunch to include my grandmother (now deceased) and Angie's parents. My grandmother, of all the Turners, was quite the intelligent woman, and she ended up seated, during lunch, next to Angie's mom (whom she'd never met). Before everyone departed from the festivities, my grandmother pulled me aside and stated, "There's something wrong with that woman."
And she was so right.
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Over the past 3-4 months, Angie has been singlehandedly cleaning out her mother's +/-3,000 single-family home. The house was built in northeast Jackson in the early '80s, and the majority of the interior / exterior reflects how it looked when my wife was a child (she's in her early 50s today). Our two youngest daughters have also been pitching in relative to this monumental task, but all in all, it's been left to Angie.
My mother-in-law is physically capable to assist with this effort, but she chooses not to. Instead, she simply hovers around Angie and the girls, talking incessantly. My mother-in-law is one of those individuals who says EVERYTHING that comes to her mind. And she's an extremely intelligent woman. Hence, her CPU is always providing plenty of fodder for her to articulate. Unfortunately though, my mother-in-law's age is / has been taking a toll on her short-term memory, and this is what's prompted the (post hand wringing) decision to discard all of the garbage / refuse out of her house. Ultimately, all parties involved have decided that she must move out of her abode soon. Living independently, especially considering the squalor (which isn't going to miraculously disappear), is no longer an option.
You might be wondering why I haven't assisted with this effort. It comes down to my mother-in-law feeling threatened by my presence. Therefore, it's been left up to Angie to see this project through.
One side note: Angie does have one brother, and he too lives in the Jackson Metro. He's in his late 40s and is in superb health (unlike my wife) with zero responsibilities (he's childless) other than working the night shift at a local hospital and feeding his beloved pooch. My mother-in-law absolutely adores him for he can do no wrong. Yet, in spite of him agreeing to pitch in with this effort early on (he actually met with Angie and her mother at their childhood home to discuss at the beginning of this year), he's been a complete no show (despite repeated cries for help).
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Today is the 2-year anniversary of Angie's stroke. And, by God's grace, she's not had a second one (that we're aware of). This is an amazing gift from God because many stroke patients are not so fortunate. She's been quiet today, and I know it's due to her reliving what went down on this day in 2020.
She and I pray often, thanking God for both her stroke in 2020, my job loss in 2013 and other events within our marriage that brought great, unexpected suffering. And we do this because suffering has the potential to increase faith. She and I would like to believe that this has been the case for each of us, thanks to those terribly difficult events.
My job this Memorial Day weekend is to pay heed to my wife by making myself available to her with both ears open. Tomorrow, she'll return to her mother's home to continue forward with the cleanout. My hope is that before the day is done, we'll have a few additional minutes to connect; just as we did so effortlessly during our dating years. Listening to Angie is the greatest gift I can give her. She is (like all of us) is hardwired to receive.
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