The most difficult first step in learning to father yourself is to admit you must take on this position. In other words, one must come to grips with the fact that there ain't no older male (bio or otherwise) that's going to step up on your behalf. And that's depressing to process. Especially if you're deeply desiring to be fathered / are cognizant of the fact of the benefits therein.
And, of course, when it comes to being fathered, time is of essence. Otherwise, serious missteps may very well result as you inevitably mature forward (physically, at least).
What's even more depressing to process is when you actually have a bio father that's present in your life + you're his only child, and still, no (decidedly intentional) fathering occurs.
To summarize, fathering or being fathered is having an older male come alongside with the intention of demonstrating firsthand disciplined techniques / methodologies for bettering oneself. And this bettering can fall into categories of physical, emotional, spiritual. But here's the kicker: this man is demonstrating in line with both his recognition and intimate knowledge of the younger man.
One quick sidetone before I get into the meat of this post. When I was in middle school (a true low point - as it is for so many boys - in my boyhood), my mom was a part-time bookkeeper at an aerobics studio (it was the '80s) in northeast Jackson. The studio had two sizable workout rooms (cut pile peachy / pink-colored carpet!), one of which was utilized for Shotokan karate classes twice weekly. My best friend & me were initial students of this class, and our Sensei, Mr. Terry V., was the most respectful, kindhearted father figure (outside of my dad) I'd known up to that time. And it's important to know that Mr. V. advocated for Rob via encouragement and opportunity. He was such the masculine asset for such a disheartening time as that.
Nevertheless, a neighborhood bully (his mom also worked at the studio) showed up one day, and before I knew it, both he and his best friend (who was just as intimidating) became regular students. Every opportunity Scott had to posture / mock me, he seized, therefore it didn't take long for me to quit outright.
What's truly unfortunate about this outcome has to do with the absence of any patriarchal involvement. For my dad had to have been privy to the 12 months+ that I'd invested in my studies of Shotokan karate (I believe I was a green belt when I chose to quit). Yet, he never got involved in attempting to help me deal with this thorny situation. Neither by dialoguing with my Sensei, the bully's parents (who were our backdoor neighbors) or me. Instead, it was as if I didn't have a dad at all.
I feel it's important to include that tale in light of how influential Mr. Terry V. truly was in my life. Until he no longer was.
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For Rob, even at an early age, I knew that my dad simply wasn't capable of fathering me (or any other child) holistically. He was understandably emotionally immature when he became my dad (age 19) first & foremost. But moreso as a result of his youth for my dad was never fathered himself. Instead, he was reared by a violent drunk 'till that monster (thankfully) died from lung cancer immediately prior to my father reaching adolescence.
As such, my dad had two obstacles he was up against.
1. The vacuum created by not being fathered himself
2. The immense trauma that resulted directly from his own father's physical / emotional abuse
In essence, #1 drove his ignorance while #2 drove his fear (of treating his own son as he was treated).
Thankfully, my father was a teetotaler. Therefore, booze never played into how he behaved within our household.
Now, let me insert one truth here. My father very much did choose to father me in regard to making church attendance a priority (for our family). And not just worship services but Bible study. This especially became the case as I approached my upper elementary school years and beyond. For both of my parents had quite the appetites, at this stage in their lives, for high quality spiritual food. As such, First Baptist Church Jackson served as their buffet.
He also made a concerted effort to incorporate Bible study into a routine within our home, though in hindsight, all it truly amounted to was me reading scripture (to my parents) for a few minutes before bedtime.
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One of the most telling episodes that I had with my dad as an adult (within a clinical setting) resulted in him attempting to defend his position as a "thoroughbred fathering father" due to his allegiance / admiration for Dr. James Dobson (a massively influential Christian media persona in the '80s). I vividly recall him faithfully listening to Dobson's radio show combined with purchasing most, if not all, of his many books.
I suppose this did qualify my dad to receive an "A" for effort. But as you know, if you're unable / unwilling to apply helpful commentary to your own way of doing things, there's likely a lot going on under the surface that's needing to be addressed.
Therefore, I believe he knew, deep down, just how out of his league he truly was. I just wish he'd admitted (or at least hinted) to it from the get go instead of allowing his ego to elevate himself "respectfully".
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To expound on what I said earlier:
Fathering is essentially modeling / demonstrating what a man is capable of so long as he's disciplined and confident.
Christian fathering is essentially modeling / demonstrating what a man is capable of doing, for Christ, so long as he's disciplined and confident in what he believes as a Christ follower.
I was looking for the latter, for as I stated in my post titled "Being A Contrarian", the gospel lassoed me in around age 12.
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I began taking baby steps towards fathering myself by committing to a strength training regimen during my 5th (& last) year of architecture school. At the time, I was in my early 20s, and all I had access to was beginner (youth) equipment (that had been purchased at Service Merchandise when I was in high school).
How was this fathering myself, exactly?
Firstly, it's important to note that I was officially crossing over into emotional / spiritual manhood at this stage of my life. Had that not been the case, there would not have been any means for me to take these initial fathering-myself steps.
Through some concentrated research and study (I found a book at Barnes & Noble), I devised a plan. From there, I took it one day at a time. Weeks became months, and before I knew it, I was seeing my body become more muscular (thanks too to my metabolism also slowing down around this same time).
I remember my mom's BFF coming by my parents' abode to drop something off (where I was living during 5th year), and me answering the door shirtless. Seeing her reaction (& her later relaying her admiration of my hard work to my mom) did wonders for my confidence.
Fast forward to today. When I'm at the Y strength training, and I see a father / son duo working together to lift, I always let the father know how fortunate his son is to have this kind of oversight / hands-on attention.
So, you might be asking how strength training syncs with Christian fathering. The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. Taking care of that temple is in line with God's will. And specifically for me, with all my issues with THE VOID, I especially need(ed) to invest, at the very least, in the part of myself that I could see (reflection).
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Fathering myself really kicked into high gear when I had the privilege of stepping into Samson Society back in 2014. For the intentionality of attending meetings / after meetings and engaging one-on-one with so many in-crisis men demonstrated my commitment to my faith as well as my love for myself to my younger (internal) self each and every week.
Decades prior to this, I had jumped at any chance presented to me to be included within Bible studies for young(er) men. And I did this in hopes of having the opportunity to be seen (I never really was either due to my lack of confidence or the unwillingness of my peers to look hard).
But even outside of the spiritual, when opportunity knocked for me to be challenged (leadership) via roles that would provide an opportunity to demonstrate Christ-likeness, I've almost always jumped at the chance.
And when you're a younger man, whether it's engaging within the recovery community or taking on a leadership role that's a bit over your head, the emotional weightiness can truly be taxing. For how you choose to present yourself within these roles will impact others, and in turn, they'll have the opportunity to adjudicate what they see in you (& oftentimes let you know).
And this is really where the rubber meets the road when it comes to fathering yourself. Do you have the chutzpah to face the masses (visible or invisible) - in whatever capacity you're called to - sans losing sight of what the true motivation is behind the course that you've charted?
If so, not only will you make a lasting impact on yourself, but you'll eventually successfully bypass the disadvantaged state of having not been fathered.
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One final tale:
Today, I relish taking showers in locker rooms (fitness centers), but this is only due to me being very intentional, through the years, regarding overcoming my shame / anxiety surrounding these spaces. And that took some tremendous fathering of myself, for locker rooms represented me feeling like an outcast or freak (going back to 7th grade PE class).
All that might sound easy and simplistic within those few sentences but it by no means was.
When you're a little tyke and you're made to feel as if you don't belong (or aren't safe) with other boys within a designated masculine space, it plants deep seated feelings of doubt regarding your worth / value as a male into your heart.
Think of having to play "Shirts & Skins" each and every day during 7th grade PE class, and always being the last one chosen for a team due to your pathetic basketball playing skills. And, in kind, feeling so very ashamed doing so whilst shirtless (body embarrassment).
Deep seated feelings of doubt regarding one's worth, planted in middle school, leave a boy who's out of luck in the intentionally being-fathered camp, in a tough, tough spot and that was me in a nutshell.
In many ways, it takes a miracle to father oneself effectively, but I would argue, the deeper the wounds, the greater the motivation to do the relentless, ongoing work.
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